“Welcome to HSBC Premier. Please enter your sort code… date of birth… inside leg measurement. Please note this call may be recorded for blackmail purposes and we are members of the banking mafia. Your home and life may be at risk if you don’t cough up the dosh (cue music from dodgy 8-track cartridge).

“Good morning Mr Tennent, how may I help you?”

“Yes, hello. I’m interested in your 5-year fixed rate mortgage. We had one of your mortgages for a number of years until you got too expensive, so we moved to a building society until your interest rates became more competitive.

“We have banked with you for 20 years, all our accounts are well in credit and want to borrow 14% of the value of our house for a short period.”

“Okay, let’s fill in the on-line form and make you an offer… your incomes…?”

“My wife has had a professional, pensionable position in a national charity since 1990 and has an insurance policy to give her an income for 18 months should she become redundant or too ill to work. I am self-employed and for various reasons we want to take the mortgage on just my wife’s income as we have always done in the past.”

“I’m afraid that will only give you half of what you want to borrow.”

“But four years ago you gave us a much larger mortgage on the same house when it was only worth four times as much as the mortgage and needed complete renovation.”

“I’m sorry Mr Tennent but our computer says you cannot afford to pay the mortgage. It’s all based upon affordability now.”

“Yes, and four years ago we had smaller incomes, had to pay to renovate the house and we’ve had a mortgage since we were students. Over the last 20-odd years we’ve never missed a payment. Plus we have nearly half what we want to borrow in our HSBC bank accounts. And we are ‘Premier Customers’. You advertise that means we get extra special treatment.”

“I’m sorry Mr Tennent but our computer says you cannot have a mortgage.”

“But I already have one with one of your competitors, you can see the payments going out each month. Their computer has offered us a new one but it is more expensive than yours. The Bank of Ireland’s computer has no problem offering us a mortgage but it works out about £100 more expensive over the five years so I’d like to return to HSBC and put the money saved into one of our accounts at your bank.

“Im sorry Mr Tennent…”

“Our house is worth well over half a million quid, there’s no risk to HSBC, we have excellent credit references. I know because we checked them out recently. And you know us, you have all our savings and gave us a much larger mortgage four years ago.”

I’m sorry Mr Tennent…”

“Oh sod it.”
——–
“This is the Bank of Ireland. Top of the morning to you Mr Tennent, your mortgage is all arranged and ready to start when your existing one runs out. You will not be charged for this fee’s-free mortgage. Have you ever thought of visiting the Emerald Isle…”

By the way: I gave up trying to ring HSBC’s complaints department due to them having an “unprecedented number of calls”.