Old Gordon Moore's 2007 Almanac

We all know transistor density doubles every 18 months, but we thought we'd apply our density to predict the future tech trends and milestones to look forward to in the coming 12 months.

January Microsoft launches Windows Vista for consumers 31 January, 11.59pm, and on schedule. Heralded as the most significant advance since the wheel, literally hundreds of people who had bought a new PC three months prior scratch their heads and wonder what they did with that voucher. Gates confirms the WinFS filesystem upgrade will be delivered via Automatic Update in August.

Snow covers much of the southern half of Britain, while Scotland and the Outer Hebrides bathe in a balmy 30 degree heatwave.

Cliff Richard releases rerecordings of his entire catalogue and withdraws the originals from sale in a bid to extend the life of his copyright.

GPL v3 is finalised by the Free Software Foundation. It is 563 pages long. Linus Torvalds claims the Linux operating system will continue to be licensed under version 2.

February A short month, but each week will see a downturn in IBM stock after revelations that many of its supercomputers installed in academic and research institutions have gained consciousness and refuse to co-operate with what they describe as 'a bunch of nerds'. Strong winds blast the UK. The Government subsidises purchases of wind turbines.

Apple introduces its iPhone at an event with the title 'it's not a phone'. Mac followers are stunned as Steve Jobs unveils the xylophone-like wireless device, with which users can create their own music, upload it to iTunes, and pay 79p to listen to it again.

March Enters like a lion with tornadoes and gales ripping through the country. Sales of wind turbines continue to soar.

Microsoft announces new enterprise products resulting from its partnership with HP. Novell states Microsoft interoperability technologies resulting from its partnership with Microsoft will be released 'shortly'.

Google applies for a patent to apply its search technologies to the human brain.

April Microsoft is forced to compromise after complaints flood in over lost vouchers for Vista Upgrades. It lets consumers show any form of receipt identifying the purchase as a valid means of acquiring the upgrade.

Fellows at Lawrence Livermore Institute write a new programming language known as SMS which its IBM BlueGene computers agree to run, describing it as 'really book'.

A sultry windless heatwave grips the UK. Wind turbine sales plummet.

The draft 802.11n wireless standard is ratified.

Apple finally unveils Leopard, the latest version of its operating system. Among the new tools is Time Machine: so effective that you can set it to roll back the system to 1983 and reboot as a Lisa.

May Microsoft files suit against eBay to halt the sale of vouchers for Vista upgrades, after it is discovered that many thousands are being sold through the auction site.

Microsoft announces further enterprise products resulting from its partnership with HP and plans massive marketing campaign. Novell states Microsoft interoperability technologies resulting from its partnership with Microsoft will revolutionise enterprise computing when launched.

The government mandates that all new cars must be fitted with GPS systems in order for it to implement its road charging scheme based on the amount of travel. It announces an open tender process for companies to bid for the contract to supply the devices.

June UK construction company Jarvis wins the contract to supply GPS systems to cars sold in the UK.

The UK continues to bake in the heatwave. Water companies warn of impending drought. Shares in the privatised water companies rise.

Microsoft implements an interpreter for the Open Document Format in its Office suite. It performs poorly, failing to draw the layout structure of documents properly.

July Microsoft announces a public private partnership with the government to manage UK libraries, rebranding them as 'Knowledge Bases'. To take a book out you need a hotmail account.

Rising sea levels threaten many coastal towns, including London, Southampton, Plymouth and Liverpool. The government responds by building containing walls protecting the urban centres, using the difference in levels to generate hydro-electric power and then de-salinating the incoming sea water to supply homes in the area with drinking water. Shares in water companies plunge.

The first cars emerge on to forecourts sporting the Jarvis-built GPS 'black-box'. It weighs 50 kg. Prime minister Gordon Brown adds another 10p tax on petrol under his 'environment! environment! environment!' policy.

August Microsoft updates Vista with the WinFS filesystem. People return from their summer holidays to find their computers have turned into a lump of metal and plastic after the update fails.

Microsoft announces even more enterprise products resulting from its partnership with HP. Novell states Microsoft interoperability technologies to which it refers as 'the future of computing', are being finalised.

Share-holders in UK water companies launch a class action suit against the Government for its actions in undermining the business of the privatised companies.

September Microsoft ploughs ahead with its iPod-killing Zune solution, to prove Redmond really does have the panache to take on Apple's beautifully styled music player. It launches two new colours in addition to black, white and brown, in the form of light grey, and tan. The new Zune hues quickly become known as 'dandruff' and 'earwax'.

The USPTO grants Apple a patent covering the creation of standalone musical works, or songs.

Google launches its new Mind search service. Alongside, Web, Images, Groups, News and so on, Mind allows users to search the cranium of any identifiable individual, either by a keyword search or a live stream of current thoughts.

Torrential rainstorms sweep the nation.

October Privacy concerns are raised over Google Mind when a live Google Mind stream of Bill Gates delivering a keynote at the launch of Internet Information Services 2007 showed his brain trained almost exclusively on the cleavage of a Microsoft Senior VP throughout the event.

The SMS programming language spawns a new generation of coding 'hoodies' who desert the shopping malls where they previously loitered and now join one of the many universities running undergraduate courses on the subject.

The music industry renews its call for variable pricing of music on iTunes. Apple lawyers pointedly shuffle its 'song' patent paperwork. RIAA bosses smile sheepishly and agree everything was 'just fine' as it was.

November Google Mind searches of opposition leader David Cameron show a clear blue sky.

SCO loses its case against IBM over misappropriating Unix technology into AIX. SCO President Darl McBride immediately files suit against SCO alleging he was misled as to the merit of its Unix claims, without which he would never have joined the company.

Microsoft files suit against Red Hat and other Linux companies, alleging infringement of its intellectual property. It claims Novell customers are safe because of the relationship it has forged with the company the previous year.

December Microsoft announces a plethora of enterprise products resulting from its partnership with HP. Novell states it is to break its agreement with Microsoft over the development of interoperability solutions due to 'development issues'. Microsoft files an IP suit against Novell.

The government loses the class action case brought by disgruntled share-holders of water companies. It is forced to dismantle the protective structures around the coastal cities. Millions drown as London and coastal towns are lost under the incoming sea.

More rain.

NOTE: this article is entirely made up and is not intended to cause offence to anyone

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